Fragments.ws is devoted to adult-themed, SCI-FI and Speculative Fiction. In most of these stories, men are turned into statues, animals, mythological creatures, and other transformations.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
AQUARIUM (WT 9)
Posted A young man with a checkered past is offered a job by the head of the Mexican Mafia. Strange transformations take place when he has to sleep with the fishes to save a Mafia Don's son.
Tomorrow came with eye-strain, a trip to the paint store and the thought: Just how big can you make an aquarium? Answer - 12x11x10 feet ABOUT 1300 to 1400 cubic feet. 10,000 gallons
Well let's see, that's not that big unless you create tunnels and build a house around them. And then there is the poo poo and pee pee problem. And then there is the food, like does a merman eat shrimp or steak.
You can create an artificial reef in various places of the world. That's the solution, the rich man is really rich and creates an artificial reef with fences, bars, chains, and or nets to keep his new merman inside.
That works, it actually works. The merman can only go so deep before the presure kills. (works for me)
Now where in the world can I put this artificial reef.
Seattle is too cold. California is too avacado and the Baja is too reminiscent of Y Tu Mama Tambien. makes me itch.
The great lakes have winter and they don't have many filthy rich people.
Wait, wait, don't tell me (shameless plug) how about near an existing reef and not near a volcano.
No volcano rules out the Pacific.
Belize and the Yucatan are nearby and they have the second largest reef in the world.
Who is the rich guy with the artificial reef? Who is the victim? Who is the mad scientist? Professor Hieronymus Ralston is the mad scientist. The device is a vacuum press and DNA shots make the human body malleable. He shoots them up and places them into the form a day later after they develop scales, gills and colorations. The device reshapes the body inside and out. It is irreversible. All of the subject’s skin has to change to be waterproof. His laboratory has only a large tank.
What does the victim eat after transformation?
Do I want to discuss the transport or do I want to have the victim sent to the final location as a human? Can the doctor’s lab be on a boat? The floating menagerie of Dr Moreau? Can we start the story after the transformation?
I can't see that story. I don't belong to Rubberzone. I never was a member there.
Sorry, that's not how I got the plot. I do have my own merman story "Just Another Fish in the Sea" it's unfinished and went on nearly 47,000 words before I stopped. I've written mutiple stories about statues and robots, so I can write about mermen a second time.
The story idea is as follows: A scientist kidnaps college students and transforms them into "pets" for his clients. His latest “request” is for a merman to live in a huge aquarium built buy a rich, gay man. Initially the student fights against the transformation but eventually comes to accept his transformation. The object of course, is true love conquers all.
research - fifteen files about reefs (real and artificial), ocean life, locations, Wikipedia got a workout. Aquarium builders and reef builders got researched.
It took the better part of a day to search all that stuff out.
Location - off the Yucatan Penisula in the Carribean, the Mexican side.
“It’s the world’s largest aquarium,” Professor Nathaniel Courreges said. They led Caleb Ferguson through the house to what he euphemistically called the gallery—a wall of glass and acrylic 60 feet high and a half mile long that opened into the sea. A kelp forest filled the tank from the sandy floor to the surface. Caleb caught sight of a diver who quickly disappeared into the kelp. “It’s almost self-sufficient. I need one person to tend to the filters and make sure that the food supply, krill and plankton, stay in balance with the fish,” Professor Courreges explained. “And I’m the only diver you employ?” Caleb asked. “No, Steve Carlton quit two days ago. Rather than assist him, you’re going to have to learn on your own. At least until I get a replacement. I apologize for the baptism under fire,” Professor Courreges said. The admission embarrassed him. “Quit?” Caleb thought it odd that anyone would leave such an idyllic job.
Information and research. I'm guessing that parts of our boys are reflective neon.
Water acts as a selective filter. If one were to suspend a white light above the surface of a tank of water that was 1000' deep, the colors from the white light would be filtered out selectively one-by-one. It is gradual. There is no abrupt interface. For example, most of the red is gone from the light after 10 feet. Some of the orange is gone. Less of the yellow is lost, etc. At 25' most of the orange is gone. At 35' most of the yellow is gone. This continues through the spectrum until all that is left is violet light and that fades out after hundreds of feet. So, at the bottom of this 1000' tank of water there would be little or no light!
Well I rewrote the opening twice and now wrote a "frame" to cover lots of backstory. It's a drug lord / mafia don type frame.
The previous post of 160 words had no hook. No one cares about krill or plankton.
I elimated one character because I couldn't develop him into anything other than a lump. A few peripheral characters appeared just to give the story credibility - {Like turning a guy into a fish is credible}
Now comes the hard part, putting together a credible presentation. And sexing it up. And providing an epilog, maybe, maybe, maybe
Someone is bound to ask what is all this revision stuff. Well this is what happens:
Draft 1: "They pulled fancy swim fins on their feet and special webbed gloves. Vitorio insisted they swam naked. Caleb went along. They swam effortlessly all morning and didn’t stop until the sun rose to its zenith. “I think I’m hungry guys. In fact, I know I’m starving,” Caleb rested on the edge of the platform half in and half out of the water. “Then we eat some fish paste, dude. You ever eat fish paste?” Domenic said floating against Caleb and the platform. "
Draft 2: "Pairs of neon-colored swim fins and mitts littered the deck. Vitorio and Miguel already wore matched pairs of orange, red and yellow neon-striped flippers. “You done flittering with the hired help lover boy?” Vitorio's blue eyes hardened betraying his mean streak. Caleb shrugged. “Nothing more than a tease.” “You want that girl, I make her come here right now and do whatever you want, blowjob, fuck. You can even have her up the ass,” Vitorio crudeness surprised Caleb. “Stop it Vitorio,” Domenic drew himself to his full height. He outweighed Vitorio. “You know I had your sister, she screamed my name over and over. That’s why they picked you. I wanted her brother to scream my name with my dick up his ass.” Domenic lunged at Vitorio. Caleb grabbed him and held him back. He pushed once at Caleb and then relented. Without a sound, they chose the blue and green neon-stripe flippers and mitts. They swam effortlessly and didn’t stop until the sun rose to its zenith. They swam effortlessly and didn’t stop until the sun rose to its zenith. Hungry, Caleb rested his waist on the edge of the platform half in and half out of the water preparing to twist around and sit on the edge of the platform. Vitorio put a hand on the wall and stopped him. “I don’t want to get out of the water and if I don’t want it neither do you. We’ll eat some fish paste, dude. You goin’ to eat fish paste today,” Vitorio insisted."
I finished the first draft and went through it with the spell check and grammer check in WORD. Then I reformatted it to read in different type. In a day or two, I'll reverse the colors and edit again.
Just to keep people updated: I sent this to a magazine late September. I have to wait for them to reply. Their rules are no prior publication and that includes my website as publication. I could hear back tomorrow or I could hear back in January.
January 11, 2007 - I received some feedback from an editor. His comments are true and so I have to revise the story. The comments:
While I liked the basic storyline of your story, I'm afraid I found the execution of the storyline to be a bit weak. There were too many places in the story where important events were summarized in the space of a sentence or two.
Caleb's attachment to Domenic is one example; I couldn't figure out how Caleb became so attached to Domenic in so short a period. Because of that, I was never able to feel the attachment between the two of them as being due to anything more than just good sex and them being mutual victims of Vitorio. I'm sure you intended more, given the ending of the story, but it didn't come through to me.
The transition into mermen was another example. I missed whatever point it was when Caleb first noticed this happening, and so, when he discussed it in a matter-of-fact manner with Domenic, his calm acceptance seemed rather odd.
It was also never clear to me what hold Vitorio had over Caleb that he never once tried to run or rebel against the situation - at least, not till the end of the story. Perhaps you had something in mind there, but I'm afraid I didn't see it.
Other editors may feel differently than I did, so I hope you'll have success in finding a home for this. Thank you for sending it my way.
18 comments:
Tomorrow came with eye-strain, a trip to the paint store and the thought: Just how big can you make an aquarium?
Answer - 12x11x10 feet ABOUT 1300 to 1400 cubic feet. 10,000 gallons
Well let's see, that's not that big unless you create tunnels and build a house around them. And then there is the poo poo and pee pee problem. And then there is the food, like does a merman eat shrimp or steak.
You can create an artificial reef in various places of the world. That's the solution, the rich man is really rich and creates an artificial reef with fences, bars, chains, and or nets to keep his new merman inside.
That works, it actually works. The merman can only go so deep before the presure kills. (works for me)
Now where in the world can I put this artificial reef.
Seattle is too cold. California is too avacado and the Baja is too reminiscent of Y Tu Mama Tambien. makes me itch.
The great lakes have winter and they don't have many filthy rich people.
Wait, wait, don't tell me (shameless plug) how about near an existing reef and not near a volcano.
No volcano rules out the Pacific.
Belize and the Yucatan are nearby and they have the second largest reef in the world.
Come back in a day or two or three.
Who is the rich guy with the artificial reef?
Who is the victim?
Who is the mad scientist? Professor Hieronymus Ralston is the mad scientist.
The device is a vacuum press and DNA shots make the human body malleable. He shoots them up and places them into the form a day later after they develop scales, gills and colorations. The device reshapes the body inside and out. It is irreversible. All of the subject’s skin has to change to be waterproof. His laboratory has only a large tank.
What does the victim eat after transformation?
Do I want to discuss the transport or do I want to have the victim sent to the final location as a human? Can the doctor’s lab be on a boat? The floating menagerie of Dr Moreau? Can we start the story after the transformation?
A merman story? Sounds like a rip off of this one:
http://www.rubberzone.com/apm/article.php?id=716
I thought you were more original.
I can't see that story. I don't belong to Rubberzone. I never was a member there.
Sorry, that's not how I got the plot. I do have my own merman story "Just Another Fish in the Sea" it's unfinished and went on nearly 47,000 words before I stopped. I've written mutiple stories about statues and robots, so I can write about mermen a second time.
The story idea is as follows:
A scientist kidnaps college students and transforms them into "pets" for his clients. His latest “request” is for a merman to live in a huge aquarium built buy a rich, gay man. Initially the student fights against the transformation but eventually comes to accept his transformation. The object of course, is true love conquers all.
research - fifteen files about reefs (real and artificial), ocean life, locations, Wikipedia got a workout. Aquarium builders and reef builders got researched.
It took the better part of a day to search all that stuff out.
Location - off the Yucatan Penisula in the Carribean, the Mexican side.
The first draft of 160 words:
“It’s the world’s largest aquarium,” Professor Nathaniel Courreges said. They led Caleb Ferguson through the house to what he euphemistically called the gallery—a wall of glass and acrylic 60 feet high and a half mile long that opened into the sea. A kelp forest filled the tank from the sandy floor to the surface. Caleb caught sight of a diver who quickly disappeared into the kelp.
“It’s almost self-sufficient. I need one person to tend to the filters and make sure that the food supply, krill and plankton, stay in balance with the fish,” Professor Courreges explained.
“And I’m the only diver you employ?” Caleb asked.
“No, Steve Carlton quit two days ago. Rather than assist him, you’re going to have to learn on your own. At least until I get a replacement. I apologize for the baptism under fire,” Professor Courreges said. The admission embarrassed him.
“Quit?” Caleb thought it odd that anyone would leave such an idyllic job.
I didn't like Professor Hieronymus Ralston, too much like the martian, Ray Walston.
Immediate changes:
Professor Nathaniel Courreges will show up later. The owner's name is going to be something else.
Smell that burning, I'm thinking.
I destroyed that opening too.
I have about 2500 words so far and it's working out. I need to write the final revelations.
Information and research.
I'm guessing that parts of our boys are reflective neon.
Water acts as a selective filter. If one were to suspend a white light above the surface of a tank of water that was 1000' deep, the colors from the white light would be filtered out selectively one-by-one. It is gradual. There is no abrupt interface. For example, most of the red is gone from the light after 10 feet. Some of the orange is gone. Less of the yellow is lost, etc. At 25' most of the orange is gone. At 35' most of the yellow is gone. This continues through the spectrum until all that is left is violet light and that fades out after hundreds of feet. So, at the bottom of this 1000' tank of water there would be little or no light!
sounds good i thinks i sees were it is going.. the mystery diver...
Yes Mike, but that was back then, I rewrote the story and the mystery diver disappeared when I did.
You can't have mad, passionate sex with a person who doesn't show up for 3000 words.
Well I rewrote the opening twice and now wrote a "frame" to cover lots of backstory. It's a drug lord / mafia don type frame.
The previous post of 160 words had no hook. No one cares about krill or plankton.
I elimated one character because I couldn't develop him into anything other than a lump. A few peripheral characters appeared just to give the story credibility - {Like turning a guy into a fish is credible}
Now comes the hard part, putting together a credible presentation.
And sexing it up.
And providing an epilog, maybe, maybe, maybe
Someone is bound to ask what is all this revision stuff. Well this is what happens:
Draft 1: "They pulled fancy swim fins on their feet and special webbed gloves. Vitorio insisted they swam naked. Caleb went along. They swam effortlessly all morning and didn’t stop until the sun rose to its zenith.
“I think I’m hungry guys. In fact, I know I’m starving,” Caleb rested on the edge of the platform half in and half out of the water.
“Then we eat some fish paste, dude. You ever eat fish paste?” Domenic said floating against Caleb and the platform.
"
Draft 2: "Pairs of neon-colored swim fins and mitts littered the deck. Vitorio and Miguel already wore matched pairs of orange, red and yellow neon-striped flippers.
“You done flittering with the hired help lover boy?” Vitorio's blue eyes hardened betraying his mean streak. Caleb shrugged.
“Nothing more than a tease.”
“You want that girl, I make her come here right now and do whatever you want, blowjob, fuck. You can even have her up the ass,” Vitorio crudeness surprised Caleb.
“Stop it Vitorio,” Domenic drew himself to his full height. He outweighed Vitorio.
“You know I had your sister, she screamed my name over and over. That’s why they picked you. I wanted her brother to scream my name with my dick up his ass.” Domenic lunged at Vitorio. Caleb grabbed him and held him back. He pushed once at Caleb and then relented. Without a sound, they chose the blue and green neon-stripe flippers and mitts. They swam effortlessly and didn’t stop until the sun rose to its zenith.
They swam effortlessly and didn’t stop until the sun rose to its zenith.
Hungry, Caleb rested his waist on the edge of the platform half in and half out of the water preparing to twist around and sit on the edge of the platform. Vitorio put a hand on the wall and stopped him.
“I don’t want to get out of the water and if I don’t want it neither do you. We’ll eat some fish paste, dude. You goin’ to eat fish paste today,” Vitorio insisted."
I finished the first draft and went through it with the spell check and grammer check in WORD.
Then I reformatted it to read in different type. In a day or two, I'll reverse the colors and edit again.
Just to keep people updated:
I sent this to a magazine late September. I have to wait for them to reply. Their rules are no prior publication and that includes my website as publication. I could hear back tomorrow or I could hear back
in January.
Hmmm. Far Sector is leaving the magazine business. They just sent a "rejection" letter never having read the story.
http://www.farsector.com/
January 11, 2007 - I received some feedback from an editor. His comments are true and so I have to revise the story. The comments:
While I liked the basic storyline of your story, I'm afraid I
found the execution of the storyline to be a bit weak. There were
too many places in the story where important events were
summarized in the space of a sentence or two.
Caleb's attachment to Domenic is one example; I couldn't figure
out how Caleb became so attached to Domenic in so short a period.
Because of that, I was never able to feel the attachment between
the two of them as being due to anything more than just good sex
and them being mutual victims of Vitorio. I'm sure you intended
more, given the ending of the story, but it didn't come through
to me.
The transition into mermen was another example. I missed whatever
point it was when Caleb first noticed this happening, and so,
when he discussed it in a matter-of-fact manner with Domenic, his
calm acceptance seemed rather odd.
It was also never clear to me what hold Vitorio had over Caleb
that he never once tried to run or rebel against the situation -
at least, not till the end of the story. Perhaps you had
something in mind there, but I'm afraid I didn't see it.
Other editors may feel differently than I did, so I hope you'll
have success in finding a home for this. Thank you for sending it
my way.
Good comments you got there! :)
Thanks for sharing.
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